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Rudderless


When I came to Costa Rica more than eight months ago, I have mixed feelings. I knew I was embarking on a new journey, a journey that is still very much related to the realities that I left behind. I feel like I was a soulless being, with my heart and soul left back home to everything I considered as my life.

Then I began my journey. I meet people. I came to know some of their life stories. Some made profound connections, some were mere faces and acquaintances. I thought I knew about life. Of human interactions and relationships.Of everyday giving and taking. I thought my mind was like a parachute that functions best when it is opened. Then it struck me. I maybe experience in so many things but these experiences have not given me enough wisdom. I fail in some of my human interactions. I thought if I give constantly, it would be enough. But then, I also have to take what is given back to me, and with that giving and taking, you have to take responsibility.

Now, more than a month, I will be back home. I thought when the time comes, I will be reinvigorated, stronger and ready to take on whatever realities are waiting for me...But it seems I am feeling the contrary... I feel rudderless, cast into the vast ocean of uncertainty. It seems like that moonlit skies a year ago. We were sailing in the dark sea in a small puny banca. Riding on the waves totally under the mercy of the elements, I vividly remember sending silent pleas to the heavens to take us to shore safely.  My feelings now is very much akin to that moment. But, I know, after the uncertainties and gripping fear, I will reach the shore. My feet will land on solid ground again.

Los Altos, Ciudad Colon
Costa Rica
25 April 2016

9:17AM

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