Skip to main content
Rudderless


When I came to Costa Rica more than eight months ago, I have mixed feelings. I knew I was embarking on a new journey, a journey that is still very much related to the realities that I left behind. I feel like I was a soulless being, with my heart and soul left back home to everything I considered as my life.

Then I began my journey. I meet people. I came to know some of their life stories. Some made profound connections, some were mere faces and acquaintances. I thought I knew about life. Of human interactions and relationships.Of everyday giving and taking. I thought my mind was like a parachute that functions best when it is opened. Then it struck me. I maybe experience in so many things but these experiences have not given me enough wisdom. I fail in some of my human interactions. I thought if I give constantly, it would be enough. But then, I also have to take what is given back to me, and with that giving and taking, you have to take responsibility.

Now, more than a month, I will be back home. I thought when the time comes, I will be reinvigorated, stronger and ready to take on whatever realities are waiting for me...But it seems I am feeling the contrary... I feel rudderless, cast into the vast ocean of uncertainty. It seems like that moonlit skies a year ago. We were sailing in the dark sea in a small puny banca. Riding on the waves totally under the mercy of the elements, I vividly remember sending silent pleas to the heavens to take us to shore safely.  My feelings now is very much akin to that moment. But, I know, after the uncertainties and gripping fear, I will reach the shore. My feet will land on solid ground again.

Los Altos, Ciudad Colon
Costa Rica
25 April 2016

9:17AM
Labels:

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Last Autumn Bloom

Woke up to a chilly morning As night and day seemed to tug at each other Peered through the frosty window pane There in the flickering light of autumn dawn A lone white rose is in bloom… 13 october 2010  Alkmar,Netherlands
3 comments
Read more

Revisiting Masalay, Ampatuan on the 1st Year Anniversary of the Ampatuan Massacre

A year ago, I had the chance to be at  site of the infamous Ampatuan massacre. It was a few days after the bodies of the victims have been cleared, yet, the stench of death still clung to the air and the general area as observed by the foreign forensic experts whom we were assisting. I don't have to see the littered bodies of the dead journalists, lawyers, the women of the Mangudadatu family and those other civilians who just happened to be in the convoy on that fateful day of November 23,2009 to not be able to imagine the terror and fear that the victims felt as they rode through the narrow road leading to the hill of Masalay to their deaths. Standing at that hill, I can almost hear the terrified cries and pleas of the victims as they beg for their life as it feel on deaf ears. The barbarism and atrocity were beyond comprehension, yet, the massacre happened. That all too painful day happened. The crime was beyond our wild imaginings and it jerk us to a very harsh re...
Post a Comment
Read more

Tatay

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JxPj3GAYYZ0 " …Would you know my name, if I saw you in heaven…? Would you hold my hand, if I saw you in heaven…? " This is a father’s lament addressed to his young son who passed away at a young age, when his life was only starting. The melancholia of the song and the longing struck a deep chord in me. Having lost a father to a killer, who ended his young life, had forever deprived me and my brothers to know the man who sired us. I was often told that he loves us so much. He was eagerly waiting for me to come into this world, a daughter whom he longed to hold in his arms. But, our togetherness was short-lived. He was forcibly taken away from us even before we could get to know him. To grow up showered with his love and encouragement. We’re also forever deprived to reciprocate that love and show our appreciation. Hearing Eric Clapton’s soulful song, I wonder if Tatay would know me when the time comes. I wonder if he would hold my hand…But ...
Post a Comment
Read more